Chris begins to question the wisdom of this trip. He is on a deserted road in the middle of nowhere with a friend that has been battling a drug addition for years. They’re supposed to be headed to a drug rehab where his friend Taylor will check himself in. It seemed odd when Taylor asked him to go on this trip since Taylor never wanted help. Chris was surprised.
Chris feels something is wrong. Taylor is jumpy, and he is constantly messing with the radio and sifting in his set. The road is eerie with darkness and the thick fog hangs in the air. This makes Taylor feel isolated as he searches for miles and all he can see is the ghostly remoteness around him. He takes a deep breath and holds on to the steering wheel of his four-wheel drive pickup and focuses on the road ahead. There are no other cars on the road and no lights in the distance. Taylor feels uneasy about the drive, but he begins to relax to the warmth of the heater and the humming of the tires.
“Taylor, are you okay driving?” Chris shifts in her seat.
“I’m fine Chris.” Taylor, starting to get tired, never takes his eyes off the road. Chris wonders if he is on drugs. His suspicions are quickly answered when Taylor answers his cell phone. A chill comes over Chris and he starts to feels ill, because of what he hears Taylor say. He learns that they’re on their way to deliver drugs that are in the trunk of the car. Chris is very upset and wants nothing to do with this. He wants out of the car, but there’s nothing for miles. The environment is barren and desolate. He needs to find away to change the situation. If only he could drive. They have been on the road for several hours, and he has no ideal where they are or where they are going. Chris begins to sweat and panic sets in. The truth of the matter is that Taylor still needs help and Chris needs to find away to help him.
Bam! “What was that Taylor? It sounded like you hit something. Did you run over an animal in the road? I hope what ever it was is okay.” Chris jumps forward. Taylor pulls the car over, steps out and walks around.
“I couldn’t have. There’s nothing out here.” Taylor stands in bewilderment. “The noise I heard sounded like something hit the truck, but the truck is fine. I see no damage.”
“Are you high?” Chris swings the truck door open and jumps out.
“No. Why would you say something like that?”
“Taylor, Your trunk is filled with drugs and you’re a drug attic. If your not high, your nuts.”
“Chris, I can handle my drugs.”
“Don’t give me that Taylor. I have never seen you like this.”
“Just look around and tell me if you see anything.”
“I don’t see a thing. If we didn’t hit anything, than what was that noise Taylor?”
They both gaze into the darkness. An unfriendly chill comes over them. The night is silent and the air is putrid. Nothing moves, not even the wind. They look at each other, jump in the truck and drive away. Neither one dares to look back.
Since Chris has never been on drugs or been around people on drugs he doesn’t know what to expect. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know if he should talk or keep his mouth shut. Chris keeps quite. He is afraid he will say something to upset Taylor and he wouldn’t know how to handle it. Taylor drives in silence, while Chris racked his brain.
After several hours on a dirt road, they come out on a highway that Chris recognizes. They would soon be approaching the next town and Chris needs a plan. Chris knows the town well. He has friends that live there he knows he can call. They would know what to do. It seems that Taylor has no intensions of stopping, but with Chris’s quick thinking, he is able to get Taylor to pull over.
As soon as Taylor goes into the store, Chris lets the air out of the tire and calls a friend. Chris paces while Taylor changes the tire. Taylor strung out on drugs can’t imagine how this happened. Even though Taylor is high on drugs he seems to be moving pretty quick. Chris isn’t sure his friend is going to make it in time.
Tina,
Great dramatic scenario here! I love the crucible situation here---a crucible environment is an enclosed, claustrophobic setting where the characters are between a rock and a hard place like a mad house, prison cell, an airplane, a gated community, or a psychologically inescapable situation---a little of both here---Chris is stuck in a car full of drugs with a possibly unstable drug addict, someone he's close to and cares about, trying to get him to rehab.
I love Taylor's solution to the situation---letting the air out of the tire, and I like the way the tension is mounting.
As you continue to develop this piece I would suggest slowing down a bit because right now you're a little plot-heavy and scene light. The summary is a fascinating one, and it keeps the reader hooked, but it needs some more flesh---and by this I mean scene--- added to the bone. As I may have mentioned before, scene and summary are ways both techniques to handle time in fiction. Summary covers a relatively long period of time quickly: Martin hadn’t seen Joe in thirteen years.
Scene covers a relatively short period of time slowly, in greater detail.
A scene is an event that can be witnessed (something happens), in a single setting described with sensory detail---temp, season, smell of pine trees, cold air of the 7-11, etc., usually with two or more characters (although not always), with dialogue and stage business (the things characters do while they talk) and sometimes a character’s thoughts.
When ever you have something important to convey in a short story or novel, whenever you want attention, like a toddler, you make a scene.
An example of a place where you could slow down and write a full scene would be at the moment when Chris here's Taylor talking on the phone---show us the whole conversation (at least Taylor's side).
In general, avoid using characters names in dialogue---just do it once in a while, as people generally don't address each other that way.
Good work!
All Best,
Tamara
| Marcus Griffin, Posted May. 8th Hi Tina, I like the story. To me, it's real. Over twenty years ago, in South Georgia, I drove my cousin and a friend out to the country, well you get the picture. (I was 18 years old and thankful God was watching over me). I wasn't sure if you meant to tell the story instead of showing. For me, I'm finding as I talk to more to readers, they desire to experience the story. They want to feel the tension of Chris. The frustration with Taylor and so on, but I still keep going back to this one thing. This is a good story. To me, that's foundational. The other things can be fleshed out. Keep writing. |
| | Joann Haberli, Posted May. 7th I have to admit that I am a plot reader: "Don't tell me what color the flowers are! Is she gonna die?" I'd wager that you are as well. And consequently we are plot writers. This is what's going to happen and this and this. There is a lot of great story here- it flows like a burst artery. It's a good first draft. You've told us what is going to happen, now you have to go back and make us live in the scene. Let us hear the phone conversations, feel sweaty hands on the door handles, etc. eventually it will become second nature, at least that's what I hear. Thanks for posting to the booth and keep writing! |
| | Sally Brevick, Posted May. 7th I thought this was a wonderful idea for a story and there is a good feeling of immediacy in using the present tense. I would like to have heard what Taylor said on his cell phone to make Chris feel chilled and also more detail about how Chris was able to Taylor to pull over. |
Student comment
Jamie Ostrander, Posted May. 14th
sorry this is late
great suspense with this story. you're gripped from the beginning wondering what's going to happen to chris. he's put his life in someone else's hand. good story. your descriptions were good as well. the description of taylor not being able to sit still and messing with the radio really tells the reader that something is wrong. it makes you think maybe he's going through withdrawal and needs a fix. it helps add to the suspense of what's going to happen. i also liked the dialogue between the two characters. it gives you an insight into each one. at the end i wonder if chris's friend will make it in time, and what will taylor do once he gets back (whether the friend makes it in time or not). good job.
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