A Writer's Notepad

Extra

2008-07-31T05:28:00.000-07:00

rewrite:

Tina Fisher Posted: Jul. 7th

•

I stepped off the plane and looked around and immediately knew that this was like no other island I had ever been to. The plane landed right in the heart of San Pedro, Belize. There was very little traffic. The streets were made of sand. I notice that the tourist were the only people wearing shoes, and “No shirt, no shoes, no problem” was written on a billboard at the end of a long fence. San Pedro would soon be the place of our new home. The people were wonderful. It was as if they had not a worry in the world, no stress and not one crying baby. The town was small. Everyone drove golf carts or rode bikes to get around. The tourist took taxis or rented a golf cart. Everyone knew each other and always had a wave and a smile. People were strolling along the streets and children playing happily.

My first experience to the Caribbean was over seventeen years ago. I flew to St Croix the USVI to visit friends. After relocating there I met my husband after being on the island two months and we have been living in the Caribbean ever since. Tim, being a Boston boy, moved to the island and never went home.

“It’s to cold up there and I hate the fast past, but living on an island has its’ challenges, from the electric company to collecting rainwater.” Tim commented.

We loved traveling the islands. One day a friend came up to Tim, “would you like to take a trip to Belize with me and check it out?” Of course I do” Tim replied. Tim never missed a chance like that.

The next time I spoke with Tim he said, “come down and see what I am about the purchase.” I got on the plane. Took my seat in anticipation. I had never been out of the US before. A few years later we relocated.

Packing up and moving to the Caribbean takes research. Being unprepared about the place where you chose to live can be very disappointing. Paradise is in the eye of the beholder. Every country, in the Caribbean, has its advantages and disadvantages. The best way to get to know a place is to visit for a period of time. If you do it right it can be very rewarding. Getting to know the infrastructure, the people and the way they live will help you make the right decision. Finding the right place for you can be fun and exciting. You have a lot to choose from.

St Croix is a beautiful island. It has roads that wind up and down the mountains along the ocean. The drive is mesmerizing with the crystal blue torques waters and the waves crashing along the seashore. It has a rain forest on one end and a desert on the other. The island is quite large and spread out with paved roads and vehicles. The population to date is 53,234 with 84 sq. miles. It’s really hard to get to know the people, but you quickly form an opinion about the whole, with the few you do meet. The TV stations are limited. The island gets its electricity by generator, which often goes down, and the islanders collect their rainwater.

On the other hand, San Pedro is made up of flat lands that extends 25 miles long. Most of the roads are sandy, but in the last few years the major roads are being cobbled stoned. The Barrier Reef runs 190 miles on the east side of the island and is famous for the diving and fishing. In 2007 the population grew to 10445. It is easy to get to know everyone since we are drive golf carts, bikes, or on foot. The electricity comes from Mexico, but this does not mean that the electric doesn’t have its problems. I can remember, at times, playing backgammon by candlelight and having no water because the water plant runs on the same electric. In some places city water is available. Over 60 TV stations come with cable, and high speed DSL is available. I can have beer, chicken, soda and drinking water delivered to my front door. That’s definitely an advantage.

The beautiful thing about living in the islands is that it is a slower pace and people live longer because they don’t have as much stress as most people in the US. Even after the hurricane hit San Pedro in 2000, and the locals lost their homes and all of their belongings, they locals still had a smile and a wave. “I can’t believe these people can still be this happy. I just lot a lot of my possessions and these people don’t have a care in the world. Then on day I realized that they were happy to be a live.” Tim realized that it was the stress free attitude the people in the Caribbean have is what makes these people who they are.

I was not on the island when the hurricane hit. I arrived eleven days later. As I flew over, I could see Tim doing laundry in a cement mixer, using a gas generator. My clothes were never the same again. We did not have electricity for two and a half months. No telephones accept mobile. Once the town as able to get electric we were able to listen to the Spanish radio station. We had no TV, no cable. We cooked with propane, but could not keep the leftovers. There was no ice on the island.

If you plan on relocating to the Caribbean make sure you do your research. Look for a place where you will fit in, because you will not change the place the place will change you. Make sure you can adapt to your surroundings and make friends before you make the move. Make sure that you can deal with the infrastructure that is in place and have patience when things don’t go as planned. It can be a wonderful experience if you don’t expect too much and enjoy it for what it is.

___________________________________________________________

Comments:

Nicole James, Posted Jul. 20th

Hi! I loved your article. Great lead, great descriptions. You did an excellent job writing this article.

S. James Snyder, Posted Jul. 14th

Hi Tina!

You know, I really, really love the details you decided to use in your lede. You could have focused on anything, but you've used a few observations to paint a really thick, comprehensive picture of a place. I'm only through the first paragraph, but I really feel as if I'm there - seeing the place through your eyes. What a vibrant scene.

And I love the way you use that scene to launch into a discussion of how this tropical living compares with other tropical living, and then how tropical living compares with traditional living. If you had been writing more of a newsy feature, I would have liked to see a few numbers in the piece, and a few other voices. By giving us more characters, and more dialogue, you help the details spring to life.

But all this said, your focus here seems to be on creating a memoir, and on using your first-hand experiences to bring this place - and these people - to life. And in that way, you've definitely hit a home run. We can see and feel this place, can sense the excitement of both of you in discovering a new and different way of living. The one thing we need is some arc in the story - it needs to build to some revelation about why this is a richer way of life, or why it's worth taking all the risks and giving up the modern technology. That way you can tie up all of your different observations into one, coherent thesis and conclusion.

But that's easy enough to do - it would only take a sentence or two. You've done all the heavy lifting, succeeded in giving us scenes and descriptions; Like all great travel writing, you've brought the place to life. Great job!

Melissa Gette, Posted Jul. 14th

Tina-

Great rewrite. "Paradise is in the eye of the beholder"- nice observation. Your article might benefit from breaking up the personal experiences in the beginning, either compressing them or taking some out of the beginning and interspersing them throughout the article to show you know your subject from personal experience. As a reader I think I would be more interested if I was brought to "Relocating to the Caribbean..." sooner. It feels more like the meat of the story. Nice contrast/compare between St. Croix and San Pedro. The kicker does seem a little down. Hmmm... is there a way to end in a more upbeat way? Nice job!

Dee Anne Barker, Posted Jul. 13th

Boy, you really painted the scene for island living Tina. Also, nice addition of more stats to support and balance the wonderful descriptions. My only feedback would be to recheck some spelling, grammar and vocabulary usage. I'm also assuming that you've chosen to keep this as a personal essay piece vs. a feature article. If so, it might be a good topic for a travel mag. and for those interested in relocating to an 'island lifestyle.' Very interesting topic to contrast the slow pace of island life vs. the fast pace of US city living.

Jason Townsend-Rogers, Posted Jul. 12th

Excellent piece, I found the descriptions rather fitting, seeing as I have family in the Caribbean.

John Pepper, Posted Jul. 12th

Tina:
The details are what make this such a pleasure to read. St. Croix has desert on one end and rain forest on the other? I didn't know that. I love the picture of people driving around in golf carts. There's a nice balance here of the good (friendly people) and bad (power blackouts). Depending on where you would try to get this published you'd probably have to add a few specifics, but I could easily see this being published. Maybe you could add a few things about the benefits of stress-free living and get it published in a health magazine.
John

Stephanie Adams, Posted Jul. 10th

Tina,

I always enjoy reading your work. It makes me want to plan a vacation. Your descriptions are great. Good job.

Barbara Pentlicki, Posted Jul. 8th

I found your article interesting and descriptive. You used good format in description and factual details. Sounds like a good travel article, but I would change the conclusion to make it more up-beat. It is good work and much better than the first one your wrote.

Ayub Mwampela, Posted Jul. 8th

Tina you have a good story here.Your lead is well described.The general picture of the islands is well set. Your work looks like a fiction. The use of the first person and then second person could lead to confusion. Great job to read.

Rebecca Chamaa, Posted Jul. 8th

Tina, your descriptions are great. I also like that you included quotes and many facts about the islands. I liked your lead especially the details about the sand streets and the sign about no shoes or shirts - these details or descriptions made me really see what you were seeing. So you were successful in showing instead of telling. I thnk you could have used some of the same descriptive techniques in your closing paragraph and it would have been stronger. You did a good job though!

Assignment #9: Pitching

2008-07-31T05:21:00.000-07:00

Assignment #9 - Due Before 7/22

Write a query letter for an article, perhaps an article that you have worked on in class. Customize the pitch for a specific publication. Use a real publication, but it’s fine if, for now, you make up the editor’s name.
_____________________________
I wrote:

Tina Fisher
55 Flying Fish Dr Belize, Central America
226-4000 7/22/2008
Re: Proposal for Publication

Travel + Leisure Magazine Mr. John Hancock
1120 Avenue of the Americas, 10th Floor
New York, NY 10036
212-382-5600

Attention Mr. John Hancock

Dear Mr. John Hancock:

Proposal for Publication

I would like to publish an article on island living and show a sense of belonging when you find the right place. Island living can be very rewarding and adventurous. People have to realize that living on an island is much different from just visiting. If you plan on relocating to the Caribbean make sure you do your research. Look for a place where you will fit in, because you will not change the place the place will change you. Make sure you can adapt to your surroundings and make friends before you make the move. Make sure that you can deal with the infrastructure that is in place and have patience when things don’t go as planned. It can be a wonderful experience if you don’t expect too much and enjoy it for what it is.

I have been studying article writing for a short time, but think I can do a great job writing about living on islands sense I have been living in the Caribbean for over seventeen years. I would love the chance to show you, from my writings, my experiences and hope this would help others in their travels. I would love to send you my entire article for your approval and consideration for your upcoming publication. I look forward to hearing from you and I appreciate your time.

Sincerely,

Tina Fisher

__________________________________________________________

Teacher Comments:

S. James Snyder, Posted: Jul. 25th

Hi Tina:

I love the streamlined approach here. You are crisp and to the point, jumping into the topic, the angle and the way you would go about it. Most importantly: It looks short, so someone with only a few seconds might be willing to give it a try, and then find themselves wrapped up in your lede. I like this a lot - and it displays your writing style/sense of pacing and phrasing quite nicely. Great job here - and congratulations on a wonderful class. I've so enjoyed returning to your voice every week...keep sprinting forward!

Assignment #8: Voice

2008-07-31T05:04:00.001-07:00

Assignment #8 - Due Before 7/15

Find a piece of writing that you admire. This can be fiction or nonfiction. Write out a few paragraphs of it, word for word, and show it to me.

Then tell me what you learned by doing this.

_________________________________
I wrote:
Austin is a cosmopolitan city with plenty of modern architecture mixed with classic styles. Just to walk around some of the local streets and neighborhoods is enough for some visitors. You can visit the Pennybacker Bridge which is surrounded by urban picturesque scenes in all directions or take a stroll near the Congress Avenue Bridge around sunset which is the home to over 1.5 million Mexican free tailed bats. These bats live under the bridge for 8 months of the year and come out around sunset to look for insects to eat. It is quite a phenomenon to see the clouds of bats rising from the bridge during a warm summer evening. The bats migrate to Mexico for the winter.

Animals and nature are all part of Austin’s culture. In fact the Austin Zoo is known as a rescue zoo and sanctuary for over 300 animals that have been saved from the wild or extinction. The Barton Springs Pools and the Deep Eddy Pool are the largest and oldest man made pools in the country and are fed from water from the Barton Spring. The water temperature in the Barton Springs pool is always a constant 69 degrees and thought to be a very healthy place to swim and bathe in the grounds of the Zilker Park. Apart from these two famous pools there are many nature trails, parks and recreational facilities to visit and spend time while taking a break from the more upbeat sights and sounds of Austin.

The reason for Austin’s famous name as the “Live Music Capital of the World” is not just because of the hoards of graduates from the many music schools in the area but also the infamous 6th Street. 6Th Street is the home to a multitude of music venues and nightclubs housed in architecturally unique buildings. Strolling down 6th street by day is entertainment in itself to view the buildings and meet the cosmopolitan residents. All of these attractions and more can be seen from the comfort of the Dillo, an historic reproduction of the trolley cars that will take you downtown, to the capitol complex and around the University complex all for free. It is a perfect way to start your trip around Austin and decide which of the many attractions and places of interest that you want to see.

I learned how important facts help an article more along.
I learned how to structure paragraphs and how the first sentence tells what is coming.
Not to use words that can be left out.
I can write articles from an informational side not the experience side.
_______________________________________
Teacher's comments:

S. James Snyder, Posted: Jul. 18th

Hi Tina!

I like the excerpt - and yes, facts can often be used to gain momentum through a piece. Almost like paddles for a canoe, they help push things along, and change course as well!

More than anything, though, the lesson we wanted to get across to people is that anyone can write these words. Anyone's hands can type this prose onto the screen. You are capable of writing at this level - but it's also essential to keep reading at a very high level. We can only write as well as read, but that said, anyone is capable of becoming the master they dream of being.

Keep reading work like this, and keep aspiring to write more fluidly, creatively and engagingly!

Assignment #7: Description

2008-07-24T07:53:00.000-07:00

Assignment #7 - Due Before 7/8

When we talk about descriptions, our ability to describe something is limited by our vocabulary, and how easily we can wield our words to plant an image in the reader's mind.

You need to start thinking about words not just as placeholders, but as vital tools. Every word should be used for a specific purpose - to convey an explicit image.

And our enemies are cliches - anything that is not specific or unique. Never call something beautiful. Beautiful is a vague, obtuse term. Be specific about HOW something is beautiful instead.

Cliches have become so common in our language that they stop meaning anything tangible. They are vague, and as writers, a vague term is worthless to us.

To that end, I've put together 10 cliches here. Revise them to make them fresh again. (For example change “cold as ice” to “cold as the blade of a knife that had been stored in a freezer.” Now THAT gives us an image that captures our attention, and imagination)

1. cold as ice
2. cute as a button
3. tough as nails
4. smooth as silk
5. pretty as a picture
6. black as pitch
7. eager as a puppy
8. sweeter than sugar
9. the strong, silent type
10. my heart skipped a beat

____________________________________
Tina wrote:
1. Cold as icicles hanging from the rafters in a cold winter storm.
2. Cute as a baby in pigtails
3. Tough as an old pair of leather boots that haven't been worn in years.
4. smooth as a rainbow that stretches across a clear blue sky
5. pretty as the sunset over the horizon
6. Black as the night in a forest with tall trees that cover the sky.
7. eager as women walking down the isle
8. sweeter than lemonade on hot summer day.
9. the strong, ye of little words.
10. my heart stopped briefly,
_______________________________
teachers comments:

S. James Snyder, Posted: Jul. 13th

Hi Tina!

Looking over your examples, I particularly love numbers two and seven. Be wary of the examples in which you made a shorter phrase into a longer one - sometimes it's the taut, tight phrases that work best. But that is a minor point - the key here is understanding the importance of keeping things fresh and lively, of finding new ways to convey old or classic thoughts and finding a way to turn a phrase to delight a reader. Descriptions are crucial, and finding new and unique ways to offer a description can set your writing apart. Great job!

Assignment #6: Body Structure

2008-07-24T07:51:00.000-07:00

Assignment #6 - Due Before 7/1

Here's your mission: Try to find a topic that is narrow, and focused, and relatively small in scope. Research a few facts and try to write 400-500 words on that article (don't write the lead or the nutgraf, but maybe just write the guts of the piece). This will probably come out to only 3-6 paragraphs, but practice the art of taking raw information and putting it down in a logical, comprehensible fashion. Imagine that you're trying to give the reader as much information as possible, but you still want to keep it comprehensible and entertaining...

_________________________________
Tina wrote:

Every country, in the Caribbean, has its advantages and disadvantages from shopping, to the language they speak. The best way to get to know a place is to visit for a period of time, the longer the better. If you plan it right it can be very rewarding. Getting to know the infrastructure, the people and the way they live, can help you make the right decision. Finding the right place for you can be fun and exciting. Once you have found your place in paradise it’s time to make the move. I moved to the Caribbean over seventeen years ago. I live on an island called San Pedro in the country of Belize. My husband and I have lived and worked here since 1997. When I moved to Ambergris Caye in ‘97, I found the average age of ex-pats, living on the island, were fifty and older. That has changed in the last several years. Now the age of people moving to the Caribbean is thirty-five and up. There are several options for you to enter and stay.

1) 30-day visa - you can get stamped every thirty days, up to six months. After six months you have to apply for a work permit or leave the country and re-enter.(recommend a work permit)

2) Work permit (cost) There are two types of work permits:

a) Application for permission to employ a foreigner (after being in the country for six months), and

b) Application for Temporary Self-Employment. The six-month residency requirement can be waived.

3) Permanent Residency (US$1000). To be approved for Permanent Residency status you have to be in the country of Belize for one year. If you leave you can only do so for no more than 14 days. After being a permanent resident for five years you are entitled to apply for citizenship. You can have dual citizenship. Forms for residency and citizenship www.embassyofbelize.org

4) Retired status (US$700). This is for those that qualify.

A) You or your spouse must be at least 45 years old.

B) You must show that you have US$2000 a month to live on. If you ever plan on working in Belize do not go the retirement route. You can’t reverse this statue.

Once you have become either permanent resident or have retired status you have six months to bring in a shipping container full of your household goods duty free. You may find that you will want to ship a few things in, because living on San Pedro you are limited to the quantity and quality of the things you need from linens to your favorite hobby supplies. You are also entitled to bring in a golf cart, or other transportation like a boat or even a plane. These items must be used. Check with customs to find out more. Getting things in to the country can be done quite easy. It’s the wait the drives me crazy. Things here are quite a bit slower here than they are in the states. If it’s a stress free, laid back life style you are looking for, than San Pedro’s for you. “Right now”, is one phase you will have to get use to, which means sometime in the near future.

_________________________________

Teachers Comment:

S. James Snyder, Posted: Jul. 7th

Hi Tina!

I like the breakdown of the various options facing someone who wants to be resident - it's very comprehensive and informative. Now that the facts are aligned, the next step would be to weave a story between those bullets - to take it from list form to story form. I like the facts, and the arrangement, and the key thing to take away from this assignment is the realization that feature writing is the juggling of both data and narrative - doing one's best to make the fact-telling as interesting as possible. Great job!

Assignment #5: Lead

2008-07-24T07:49:00.000-07:00

Assignment #5 - Due Before 6/24

Hi everyone:

Be sure to refer to the Blackboard - the first part of the homework can be found there, in regards to reading 5-10 articles for three nights in a row.

Then, for this weekend, after you have read somewhere near 20 or 30 articles:

Find an article with a particularly weak lead. Show me the lead. Write a better lead for the article and show me that, as well.

If you want extra practice, write two different, better leads for the exact same story. Remember that leads can be longer than just one paragraph, and remember that you can start a story a million different ways (the nutgraf always helps snap things back into place)
_______________________________

Tina wrote:
Lead: One of the best ways to promote your website or blog is through article marketing. Learning to write articles quickly is a skill you have to master to accomplish this.

Rewrite:

One of the best ways to promote your website or blog is through article marketing. Article marketing is a type of advertising in which businesses write short articles related to their respective industry. Learning to write articles quickly is a skill you have to master to accomplish this.

__________________________________________

Teachers comment

S. James Snyder, Posted: Jun. 30th

Hi Tina!

I enjoy the way you improved this - immediately giving us a definition that helps us to get centered in the article. Sometimes there are pieces - particularly tech pieces - that assume they are writing for a very specialized audience. But you've helped to counter that, presenting us with an article that adds in the needed translation. It's a lesson worth remembering! Great job!

Assignment #4: Profiles

2008-06-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

Find a stranger who might make for an interesting profile. Interview this person, in person (ideally) or on the phone (less ideal). Write a lead and nut graf for the profile. Then give a brief bullet-point outline of how the rest of the profile might flow.

Tina wrote:

Dale Walters walked down the hall with a guard on each side. He was excited to see his family waiting for him outside the prison walls. As he approached the door, he paused to say a prayer. “Dear lord, I’m very thankful that this day has arrived. I never thought that I would be walking through these doors a free man.” The guards had befriended Dale and were glad to see him go.

With new shoes, a crisp navy blue pin stripped suit, and a white shirt, Dale pushed open the door and proudly yelled, “I’m free.” The first people he saw were his wife and kids. “There must have been twenty people outside waiting for me. Some I had never met. I had nieces and nephews that I didn’t know about. I was so glad to see everyone.”

After many tears and introductions, Dale was ready to leave. He had not been outside the prison gates in eleven years.

Dale Walters was charged and sentenced to twenty years for arson. Something he has always claimed he did not do. “I had left a business meeting late on January 30, 1997, and on my way home I had a flat tire. It took me about thirty minutes to change it. I arrived home and when I opened the door I smelt smoke. I called 911, but by time the fire was put out the damage had been done. My wife and children had been out of town. Thank God no one was hurt. When the inspector did his report he said the fire had been set intentionally. This could not be true. No one had been home. I was eventually arrested and charged”

The years went by and Dale did what ever he could to get a new trial, but nothing seemed to go his way. Until on day his sister meet a man that she eventually married. She told Bob the story and he wanted to help. He did some investigating and found that there had been a know arsonist that had been living in the area at the time. He was now in jail for burning down a grocery store, so Bob went to see him. It wasn’t long before this man was confessing to burning down the house. He said that he had been jealous of Dale and wanted to see him suffer.

It took Bob several years to convince the courts that this was a case that needed to be reviewed. It took two more years to get a trial date. Once the judge saw the confession, he signed the release papers and Dale was to be a free man, but even then it took several months before Dale would walk out of prison.

Dale almost passed out walking to the car. His legs were weak and he was tried. He had lost a lot of weight by worrying about his family and not sleeping right. “All I wanted was a hot shower and sleep in a real bed. The drive home was surreal. The sun was out and everything was in bloom. So many things had changed, things that I could never imagine. The town where we lived was not the same. Big buildings took up the space where the park use to be and restaurants on every corner.” When they pulled into the driveway, Dale could not believe it. The house was exactly the way it looked the night it caught on fire. “When I walked inside I knew I was home and this whole nightmare was over.’

Teacher’s comments

S. James Snyder, Posted: Jun. 22nd

Hi Tina!

What a compelling opening - the day a man is freed from prison. You've put us right there.

I think if you kept building this, moving forward, you'd want to construct a few of the key scenes that Dale dealt with along the way. I'd want to know about the day he was wrongly convicted, maybe his low-point while in prison, his feeling of exoneration when the judge finally agreed to let him out. I'd want to know more about that car ride home.

But as you've constructed it here, this is wonderful. It's dramatic, and informative, and there's a flow and an arc to it....this is life-and-death, truly-compelling stuff. Are you hoping to work with it moving forward at all??? Great job!

Assignment #3: Reporting

2008-06-18T11:07:00.000-07:00

Relocating to the Caribbean was once a dream for most people, but it’s becoming more of a reality everyday. More and more people are moving to the Caribbean for the quality of life. Every year thousands of people are leaving the hectic life back home for the laid-back life style and the stress free living the Caribbean has to offer. I moved to the Caribbean over seventeen years ago and the number of retirees’ verses young people was huge. It’s not just for those that are retiring anymore. The younger generations are finding that working and living in the Caribbean is obtainable at an early age. When I moved to Ambergris Caye in ‘97, I found the average age of ex-pats, living on the island, were fifty and older. That has changed in the last several years. Now the age of people moving to the Caribbean is thirty-five and up.

Packing up and moving to the Caribbean takes research. Being unprepared about the place where you chose to live can be very disappointing. Paradise is in the eye of the beholder. Every country, in the Caribbean, has its advantages and disadvantages from collecting rainwater to medical care, and the language they speak. The best way to get to know a place is to visit for a period of time. If you do it right it can be very rewarding. Getting to know the infrastructure, the people and the way they live will help you make the right decision. Finding the right place for you can be fun and exciting. You have a lot to choose from. You have places like Mexico to Panama, which or land locked. Then you have places like Ambergris Caye and Puerto Rico. Ambergris Caye is a small island verses Puerto Rico a large island. It all depends on what you are looking for.

In the Caribbean things move at a much slower pace and you need to have a lot of patience. On smaller islands you get to know the community and your neighbors become family. On the bigger islands you may never meet your neighbors and you blend in.

My first trip to the Caribbean was to St Croix the USVI. I fell in love with the place. It was beautiful and the attitude, of the people, was welcoming. I stayed 2 weeks, flew home, took care of my belongings and back to St Croix I went. It was not hard to relocate to St Croix because it’s a big island and since it is part of the US, it was not hard to find work, and everyone spoke English. I met my husband after being on the island two months. Tim, being a Boston boy, moved to the island and never went home.

“It’s to cold up there and I hate the fast past, but living on an island has its’ challenges. The island’s electricity is generated so the power goes out a lot, and we have to collect our own rainwater. Those are two things I never thought I would get use to.” Tim commented.

A few days went by and the phone rang. “You need to come to Belize and see what I plan on purchasing”? Tim was very excited about this place he called paradise. “I’ll be on the first flight out tomorrow”. I hung up the phone and booked my flight.

I arrived at the airport in a little fishing village know as San Pedro. After being on the island a few days I could see why this was where Tim wanted to be. The people were wonderful, the town was small and everyone knew each other. The downside was that the average age was fifty-five and older, but I liked it because everyone I passed had a smile and a wave. The motto here is “no shirt, no shoes, no problem”. The down side was that I had no one my age to hang around, but we bought a piece of property and planned on building within the next year.

Building on an island can be challenging. This is where patience comes in handy. Everything that you need or want has to be brought in by barge. At that time, the electric was generated and that made building even harder. Now our electric comes from Mexico. So many things can go wrong. In the last few days our power has been off more than it has been on, in some areas. It’s hard to take care of business when we have no power. When we have no power, we have no water. So the best thing to do is collect your own rainwater. Where there are problems there are solutions.

We have been living on the island now for twelve years and I have seen a lot of growth. We have more young people on this island than ever before, and more moving down every day. The population in 2000 was only 4499. In 2007 the population grew to 10445. As the years went on, the older generation started leaving and the younger generation moved in and now it is a great balance. We have a great community that works together.

We can always tell the newbie’s from the expats. The newbie’s are always in a hurry and want to change things, and get frustrated when things don’t go their way. The expats go with the flow and have already tried to change things, but instead you are the one that changes. So the expats just set back and wonder how long a newbie will last. You either learn to have patience or you move on.

The beautiful thing about living in the islands is that it is a slower pace and people live long because they don’t have any stress. Even after the hurricane in 2000, when a lot people lost their homes and all of their belongings, the locals still had a smile and a wave. “I can’t believe these people can still be this happy. I just lot a lot of things and these people don’t have a care in the world. Then on day I realized that they were happy to be a live.” Tim realized that it was the stress free attitude the people in the Caribbean have is what makes these people who they are.

____________________

Critics

Hi Tina:

Let's take a look at the fun facts:

1. I did not know this - that you can pick a longitude, and there will be varying degrees of warming....

2. The word that jumped out at me here was "earthquakes." Are we saying more earthquakes due to climate change??? That would be a HUGE story - particularly given the recent earthquake issues....

3. I feel as if I sort of knew this one...

As for your angle, yes, I feel like you could definitely move forward with this in mind. It might depend what kind of publication you're writing for - since this is a very specialized idea - but a how-to guide for island-dwellers and climate change could be quite compelling....maybe you'd want to structure a feature to show how one group of citizens on islands would prepare totally differently from people living at the same longitude, but onshore.

You could definitely move forward on this front. The key to take away from this assignment, though, is the realization that for any topic, there are a plethora of unexplored angles. Your goal as a feature writer is to look at a familiar topic in an entirely new way - to illuminate an angle that thus far has gone unexplored.

S. James Snyder, Posted Jun. 17th

Hi Tina!

I really appreciate the tone here - clearly, you've gone the more personal route, and decided to approach the assignment more as a memoir than as a news-based feature. Which is all perfectly well and good. Given the goal here, I really think you found a strong narrative voice. I felt as if I had the inside track on the tale, and not that I was an outsider, trying to desperately to peer inside.

There's also a cleary "how-to" approach the story that is both risky, but effective. One must always be careful to keep the story moving - to keep the narrative fresh and lively. And sometimes, a "how-to" story can choke the flow, making things into more of a list than a story. But you've skillfully avoided this (just something to remember for draft number two, if you keep working with this)

What I like most about what you've done is balance the story - explaining the beauty, but also balancing that with some of the hardships, such as electricity and building and the average age of your neighbors.

If you decide to work with this more, as we approach the second Booth, there are four things I'd really like you to focus on:

First, build your story around scenes, and not necessarily around chronology. Don't start your story with a large statement, but go small and specific right off the bat. Create the scene of the day you first went down to visit your future home, or paint the picture of a night without electricity. Drop us right in the story, and use two or three distinct scenes/stories to tie together all the other components.

Second, give us more dialogue. It's great to hear things described, but a few quotes can really add personality to the story - and dialogue, even better, gives those quotes an added spark.

Third, give us a fact or two. It's hard for a reader to trust a writer if there are no numbers to back up a claim. Whether it's the number of ex-pats in Belize, in your neighborhood, on the island, in the Caribbean, globally - really, any number will do.

And finally, give us some visual details. I want colors, and ladscapes and scenes. If one is going to write a detailed travel article about such a lovely, renowned locale, you simply must give the reader some sumptuous visual details! That's what we're all imagining!

All this being said, it's a great topic, your passion comes through clearly, and I think you do a wonderful job of balancing your personal, first-person perspective with some greater critical commentary. I hope you continue working with this moving forward - you're certainly an expert on the topic! Great job!

Nicole Flussi, Posted Jun. 16th

Great work. I liked listening to your adventures and am envious. I thought the content could be more specific to the angle of the story. I was expecting to hear more information around young vs. old lifestyle.

Pearl Chin, Posted Jun. 16th

I could see this piece fitting very well in a travel magazine as an advice column or memoir. I would agree with one of the previous comments that you probably need more of the elements of an article and more description rather than telling to make the piece more like a feature article. It's clear that I should contact you before making any travel plans to the Carribean.

Jason Townsend-Rogers, Posted Jun. 15th

Very interesting piece about life in the Caribbean; as my mom has family in Jamacia, I have often considered what life would be like had I chosen to live there. While it is unlikely that I will leave the comforts of America behind, your piece gave me all the information that I needed should I choose to make such a trip.

Angela Mickelis, Posted Jun. 14th

Tina,
Nice job on the article. You make great points on the topic of moving to the Caribbean, making it a potential dream come true by sharing your experience. The only area that I felt could be shifted a bit is to broaden the audience. What I mean is to begin the article with something more emotionally gripping such as Make your dream vacation your life....or You really can live a dream....something like that. If that corny?
Any way, I really enjoyed reading the article and especially enjoyed your experience shared.
Warmly, Angela

Stephanie Adams, Posted Jun. 13th

Great topic. I have friends that travel to Belize quite often and they plan to retire there eventually. I enjoyed reading how you and your husband met and eventually moved to Belize, it added a bit of drama. It would have been nice to compare the infrastructure we are accustomed to here in the states to those on the island, to see what those differences are: hospitals, grocery stores etc. Good job!

MLissa Sampson, Posted Jun. 13th

Tina, I enjoyed your article and learning a bit about what it may be like to live this Caribbean lifestyle. It would be great to have a few quotes from perhaps others who have made the move to the islands. To highlight how they felt when they moved and/or why. Also, would love to get more of a description of the area. I've never been there and it would be great info for me as someone who may want to imagine what it'd be like to visit. Thanks.

Ayub Mwampela, Posted Jun. 12th

Hallo Tina,

You impressed me with your article because it was really from experiences you went through and the people you came across in the Caribbean. You made a good chronicle of the events on the area. That was great!

I have few observations to make here. This work seems to be more a memoir than a feature. May be I have not grasped well your point.

Another observation is on the lede. I tried to look for the nut graf but I could not. This led me to find it difficult to get the transition of the story as I went on reading.

Stephanie, your work is still very touching especially for many of us who happen to be relocating to places.

John Pepper, Posted Jun. 12th

Tina:
This is a great topic for a book. I first visited the Cayman's about 12 years ago, and every time I go back I ask myself how I could make a living there. You don't really have to draw people into this story, it does the work for you.
I like the lead. It's simple but clear and as it ends I want to know the rest of the story: how moving to the Caribbean is done.
I thought you did a fairly good job of telling your reader about some of the major drawbacks and benefits of life in the Caribbean.
What I would like to see more of is the nuts and bolts. Do you have to find a job before you get to the island, or have a fixed address, and how do you know? Are there agencies that will find you jobs and apartments? Do you need to have health insurance? What kind of retirement income is adequate? Maybe you could give that information for just one island that you're familiar with.

Barbara Pentlicki, Posted Jun. 11th

I found your piece had a very interesting view of island living. Sounds like a great place to live. In the reading of your piece my suggestion would be to work on making the paragraphs flow together more cohesively. The end of one paragraph should lead the reader to the next group of thoughts smoothly sort of like an into to the next paragraph if that makes any sence. The work was nice

Dee Anne Barker, Posted Jun. 11th

What an interesting article Tina. I've been to Ambergris Caye before and found it quite fun and beautiful. So, it was wonderful for me to read about your experience relocating and now living in Belize.

You have so many different stories and angles to focus on that it would be great to continue to dig in one direction. I especially found the information about collecting one's own rain water quite fascinating. Perhaps that could be another angle. How does one collect the rain water? How often? What local has the best method?

Overall, I found your article fun to read. My only other suggestions would be to check the spelling as well as to modify the article to third person. Otherwise, you've got yourself great material and a fun feature.

Melissa Gette, Posted Jun. 10th

hi Tina.

This was a great idea for an article. The lede is a good one. Being a middle-aged woman living in a cold city, I definitely want to know how people my age are making it possible to live in the Caribbean.

I think before using the term "ex-pats" you might want to explain it a little. The idea that one needs to research such a big move and be aware of some of the possible drawbacks is a great angle.

This piece might benefit from a few more quotes. Maybe a look at it from the view of a "newbie" or talk to someone else who has watched the population change to a younger group of people.

Great piece. Thanks.

Rebecca Chamaa, Posted Jun. 10th

Tina, this was a very informative article. I think you could make this topic into several articles if you wanted. One could be a travel article, one could be a relocation article, and of course you could get several features out of relocating, building,etc. I enjoyed reading this and I felt like it was packed with information. One thing I would suggest is to include more quotes, scenes and characters, that will make your work really come to life. Thanks!

Assignment #2: Anatomy of an Article

2008-06-18T11:05:00.000-07:00

Pick one of these general topics:
1. - Global Warming
2. - Celebrity Obsession
3. - Family Life

Do some research on the selected topic. Tell me three fascinating facts or details about this topic. Find things most people don’t know. Also, give me an idea for an angle on this subject. Bonus points if you actually contact an expert.

_____________________________

The atmosphere is warming faster in subtropical areas – around 30° north and south of the equator – than anywhere else in the world, according to a study of more than 25 years of satellite data. And the process appears to be driven by climate change.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn9229-global-warming-stretches-subtropical-boundaries.html

Already one of the most disaster prone regions of the world, the vulnerable Caribbean islands will be exposed to hurricanes and the associated storm surges and wave actions, earthquakes and the tsunamis they generate, volcanic eruptions, land and rock slides, flooding and drought, local climate change scientists predict.

Sea levels in the Caribbean region are expected to rise 30 to 50 centimeters (11.8 to 19.7 inches) in the next 50 years, significantly higher than average world levels.

http://www.ens-newswire.com/ens/jun2001/2001-06-04-02.asp

The year 1999 was the fifth-warmest year on record since the mid-1800's; 1998 being the warmest year. According to Thomas Karl, director of the National Climatic Data Center (NOAA), the current pace of temperature rise is "consistent with a rate of 5.4 to 6.3 degrees Fahrenheit per century." By comparison, the world has warmed by 5 to 9 degrees Fahrenheit since the depths of the last ice age, 18,000 to 20,000 years ago.

http://www.ecobridge.org/content/g_evd.htm

An angle on this would be, how to prepare for global warming if you live on an island in the Caribbean. Most of the smaller islands are at sea level so building your first story up off the ground would be a start.

Teachers comment

Ist Assigment of Article Writing

2008-06-05T12:26:00.000-07:00

Write down 3-6 angles on a subject that could make for a good feature.

Be sure it's a realistic angle for a feature - something that you could actually research and deliver, if assigned by an editor.

I wrote:
Relocating to the Caribbean was once a dream for most people, but it’s becoming more of a reality everyday. More and more people are moving to the Caribbean for the quality of life. Every year thousands of people are leaving the hectic life back home for the laid-back life style and the stress free living the Caribbean has to offer. I moved to the Caribbean over seventeen years ago and the number of retirees’ verses young people was huge. It’s not just for those that are retiring anymore. The younger generations are finding that working and living in the Caribbean is obtainable at an early age. When I moved to Ambergris Caye in ‘97, I found the average age of ex-pats, living on the island, were fifty and older. That has changed in the last several years. Now the age of people moving to the Caribbean is thirty-five and up. Packing up and moving to the Caribbean takes research. Being unprepared about the place where you chose to live can be very disappointing. Paradise is in the eye of the beholder. Every country, in the Caribbean, has its advantages and disadvantages. The best way to get to know a place is to visit for a period of time. If you do it right it can be very rewarding. Getting to know the infrastructure, the people and the way they live will help you make the right decision. Finding the right place for you can be fun and exciting. You have a lot to choose from. You have places like Mexico to Panama, which or land locked. Then you places like Ambergris Caye and Puerto Rico. Ambergris Caye is a small island verses Puerto Rico a large island. It all depends on what you are looking for. On smaller islands you get to know the community and your neighbors become family. On the bigger islands you may never met your neighbors and you blend in. Living in the Caribbean can be very challenging, from collecting rainwater to medical care. One thing you need is a lot of patience. If you don’t have it now, you will after moving to the Caribbean. Things move at a much slower pace.

Teacher comments:

S. James Snyder, Posted: Jun. 2nd

Hi Tina: I'm definitely intrigued by your comment regarding patience. The way that movie isn't just a change of geography, or even a change of language, but a change of mindset. Maybe you could find people who reflect the two extremes, the go-go Americans and the more relaxed expatriots.

The key here is access, and taking the time to really write a smooth, refined story. You need to find the right people who can give voice to the topic, and then take the time to really help us to feel and see this story. It can't be a superficial glance, but rather a well-developed sense of place and personality.

But I'm thinking it could be extremely interesting and entertaining. I certainly hope you work with this going forward, for your Booth piece! Great job!

Lesson 6: Getting Better

2008-05-17T14:35:00.000-07:00

We were to chose one of the writings we had already done and make it better. Here's mine.

Chris begins to question the wisdom of this trip. He is on a deserted road in the middle of nowhere with a friend that has been battling a drug addition for years. They’re supposed to be headed to a drug rehab where his friend Taylor will check himself in. It seemed odd when Taylor asked him to go on this trip since Taylor never wanted help. Chris was surprised.

Chris feels something is wrong. Taylor is jumpy, and he is constantly messing with the radio and sifting in his set. The road is eerie with darkness and the thick fog hangs in the air. This makes Taylor feel isolated as he searches for miles and all he can see is the ghostly remoteness around him. He takes a deep breath and holds on to the steering wheel of his four-wheel drive pickup and focuses on the road ahead. There are no other cars on the road and no lights in the distance. Taylor feels uneasy about the drive, but he begins to relax to the warmth of the heater and the humming of the tires.

“Taylor, are you okay driving?” Chris shifts in her seat.

“I’m fine Chris.” Taylor, starting to get tired, never takes his eyes off the road. Chris wonders if he is on drugs. His suspicions are quickly answered when Taylor answers his cell phone. A chill comes over Chris and he starts to feels ill, because of what he hears Taylor say. He learns that they’re on their way to deliver drugs that are in the trunk of the car. Chris is very upset and wants nothing to do with this. He wants out of the car, but there’s nothing for miles. The environment is barren and desolate. He needs to find away to change the situation. If only he could drive. They have been on the road for several hours, and he has no ideal where they are or where they are going. Chris begins to sweat and panic sets in. The truth of the matter is that Taylor still needs help and Chris needs to find away to help him.

Bam! “What was that Taylor? It sounded like you hit something. Did you run over an animal in the road? I hope what ever it was is okay.” Chris jumps forward. Taylor pulls the car over, steps out and walks around.

“I couldn’t have. There’s nothing out here.” Taylor stands in bewilderment. “The noise I heard sounded like something hit the truck, but the truck is fine. I see no damage.”

“Are you high?” Chris swings the truck door open and jumps out.

“No. Why would you say something like that?”

“Taylor, Your trunk is filled with drugs and you’re a drug attic. If your not high, your nuts.”

“Chris, I can handle my drugs.”

“Don’t give me that Taylor. I have never seen you like this.”

“Just look around and tell me if you see anything.”

“I don’t see a thing. If we didn’t hit anything, than what was that noise Taylor?”

They both gaze into the darkness. An unfriendly chill comes over them. The night is silent and the air is putrid. Nothing moves, not even the wind. They look at each other, jump in the truck and drive away. Neither one dares to look back.

Since Chris has never been on drugs or been around people on drugs he doesn’t know what to expect. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know if he should talk or keep his mouth shut. Chris keeps quite. He is afraid he will say something to upset Taylor and he wouldn’t know how to handle it. Taylor drives in silence, while Chris racked his brain.

After several hours on a dirt road, they come out on a highway that Chris recognizes. They would soon be approaching the next town and Chris needs a plan. Chris knows the town well. He has friends that live there he knows he can call. They would know what to do. It seems that Taylor has no intensions of stopping, but with Chris’s quick thinking, he is able to get Taylor to pull over.

As soon as Taylor goes into the store, Chris lets the air out of the tire and calls a friend. Chris paces while Taylor changes the tire. Taylor strung out on drugs can’t imagine how this happened. Even though Taylor is high on drugs he seems to be moving pretty quick. Chris isn’t sure his friend is going to make it in time.

Tina,

Great dramatic scenario here! I love the crucible situation here---a crucible environment is an enclosed, claustrophobic setting where the characters are between a rock and a hard place like a mad house, prison cell, an airplane, a gated community, or a psychologically inescapable situation---a little of both here---Chris is stuck in a car full of drugs with a possibly unstable drug addict, someone he's close to and cares about, trying to get him to rehab.

I love Taylor's solution to the situation---letting the air out of the tire, and I like the way the tension is mounting.

As you continue to develop this piece I would suggest slowing down a bit because right now you're a little plot-heavy and scene light. The summary is a fascinating one, and it keeps the reader hooked, but it needs some more flesh---and by this I mean scene--- added to the bone. As I may have mentioned before, scene and summary are ways both techniques to handle time in fiction. Summary covers a relatively long period of time quickly: Martin hadn’t seen Joe in thirteen years.

Scene covers a relatively short period of time slowly, in greater detail.

A scene is an event that can be witnessed (something happens), in a single setting described with sensory detail---temp, season, smell of pine trees, cold air of the 7-11, etc., usually with two or more characters (although not always), with dialogue and stage business (the things characters do while they talk) and sometimes a character’s thoughts.

When ever you have something important to convey in a short story or novel, whenever you want attention, like a toddler, you make a scene.

An example of a place where you could slow down and write a full scene would be at the moment when Chris here's Taylor talking on the phone---show us the whole conversation (at least Taylor's side).

In general, avoid using characters names in dialogue---just do it once in a while, as people generally don't address each other that way.

Good work!

All Best,

Tamara

Marcus Griffin, Posted May. 8th

Hi Tina, I like the story. To me, it's real. Over twenty years ago, in South Georgia, I drove my cousin and a friend out to the country, well you get the picture. (I was 18 years old and thankful God was watching over me). I wasn't sure if you meant to tell the story instead of showing. For me, I'm finding as I talk to more to readers, they desire to experience the story. They want to feel the tension of Chris. The frustration with Taylor and so on, but I still keep going back to this one thing. This is a good story. To me, that's foundational. The other things can be fleshed out. Keep writing.

Joann Haberli, Posted May. 7th

I have to admit that I am a plot reader: "Don't tell me what color the flowers are! Is she gonna die?" I'd wager that you are as well. And consequently we are plot writers. This is what's going to happen and this and this. There is a lot of great story here- it flows like a burst artery. It's a good first draft. You've told us what is going to happen, now you have to go back and make us live in the scene. Let us hear the phone conversations, feel sweaty hands on the door handles, etc. eventually it will become second nature, at least that's what I hear. Thanks for posting to the booth and keep writing!

Sally Brevick, Posted May. 7th

I thought this was a wonderful idea for a story and there is a good feeling of immediacy in using the present tense. I would like to have heard what Taylor said on his cell phone to make Chris feel chilled and also more detail about how Chris was able to Taylor to pull over.

Student comment

Jamie Ostrander, Posted May. 14th

sorry this is late
great suspense with this story. you're gripped from the beginning wondering what's going to happen to chris. he's put his life in someone else's hand. good story. your descriptions were good as well. the description of taylor not being able to sit still and messing with the radio really tells the reader that something is wrong. it makes you think maybe he's going through withdrawal and needs a fix. it helps add to the suspense of what's going to happen. i also liked the dialogue between the two characters. it gives you an insight into each one. at the end i wonder if chris's friend will make it in time, and what will taylor do once he gets back (whether the friend makes it in time or not). good job.

Lesson 5: Non-Fiction (a story of a friend of mine)

2008-05-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

Sally normally didn’t watch the local news, but she was on vacation at her dad’s house and the T.V. was on. She was not paying close attention to it, but from the corner of her eye she caught a glimpse of her brother’s picture on T.V. She slowly eased herself down on the couch. While watching the news she began to shiver. A cold chill ran up her spin and her jaw dropped to the floor, as she watched his face on the screen. The headline read “man armed and dangerous.” She could not believe what she was hearing. The family gathered around while the story unfolded. The news anchor said, “Sonny James just shot a man and he is on the run. He has a gun, and if you see him call the authorities. Randal Scott is in the hospital in critical condition. Sonny James is going to be charged with attempted murder, but if Randal Scott dies it will be up graded to first degree murder.1” This was her worst nightmare. They all sat in silence. You could hear a pin drop. There was a feeling of dead calm in the air. Everyone was solemn. She felt the house closing in on her. She couldn't imagine how helpless she felt at that moment in time. She was sad for my mother, my father, and her brother’s children.

When the story ended she picked herself up off the couch, grabbed the phone and called her mother. She didn’t know what to say or do. It felt like minutes, but it was only seconds, before her mother could catch her breath. While on the phone waiting to hear her mother’s voice, she told herself, “She knew that this day would come, but she still was not prepared.” She began to gather her thoughts.

“Mom, do you know what happened? Do you know where Sonny is? Have you heard from him?”

“No Sally, I don’t. I’m hoping he’ll call. I need to get to the kids. They must be scared.”

She gathered her things and walked out the door. She knew that her brother hung with the wrong crowd. He always tried to be “the bad guy”, but he had a big heart. She knew his life, as he knew it, was over from that moment forward.

_______________________________________________________

Teachers comment

Tina,

This is so intense and painful. You've done a good job depicting the shock and horror of the experience.

Good work.

All Best,

lesson 4: Fiction (Chris began to question the wisdom of this trip.)

2008-04-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

Chris began to question the wisdom of this trip.

Chris began to question the wisdom of this trip. He is on a deserted road in the middle of nowhere with a friend that has been battling a drug addition for years. They’re supposed to be headed to a drug rehab where his friend Taylor will check himself in. It seemed odd when Taylor asked him to go on this trip since Taylor never wanted help. Chris was surprised.

Taylor is jumpy, and he is constantly messing with the radio and sifting in his set. Chris wonders if he is on drugs. His suspicions are quickly answered when Taylor answers his cell phone. A chill comes over Chris and he starts to feels ill. He learns that they’re on their way to deliver drugs that are in the trunk of the car. Chris is very upset and wants nothing to do with this. He wants out of the car, but there’s nothing for miles. The environment is barren and desolate. He needs to find away to change the situation. If only he could drive. They have been on the road for several hours, and he has no ideal where they are or where they are going. Chris begins to sweat and panic sets in. The truth of the matter is that Taylor still needs help and Chris needs to find away to help him.

Teachers comment

Tina,

Great scenario! I like the dramatic tension here and I think this could be a fun piece to develop into a full story.

When developing it, I would add some sensory detail and dialogue---there is a lot of potential for great dialogue between these two. Right now, this piece seems plot-heavy and scene light. The summary is a fascinating one, and it keeps the reader hooked, but it needs some more flesh---and by this I mean scene--- added to the bone. Scene and summary are ways both techniques to handle time in fiction. Summary covers a relatively long period of time quickly: Martin hadn’t seen Joe in thirteen years.

Scene covers a relatively short period of time slowly, in greater detail.

When ever you have something important to convey in a short story or novel, whenever you want attention, like a toddler, you make a scene.

Good work.

All Best,

TAmara

Lesson 3: Individuality (I Hate)

2008-04-16T13:11:00.001-07:00

I Hate

I hate horror films. They give me the creeps. I can’t understand why people like to watch them. Every time I see one I get an unpleasant queasy feeling like someone is looking over me. Scary movies make me feel uncomfortable and freak me out. I get goose bumps and my body tenses with every scream I hear. They make me want to hide from the darkness that surrounds the fear inside me. Horror films are so violent and gruesome and I get ill at the sight of blood. I can’t bear to watch so I keep my eyes closed during the gory parts. I bury my face in my hands until the evil scenes are over. After watching one I feel repugnance and fearful. It’s hard to sleep with the lights off, so I check the closet and under the bed to make sure that there are no hiding monsters. I bury my head under the covers and hide for hours.1 The feeling of isolation won’t let go. It takes me days to get over the feeling of fright and terror. The blood runs cold through my body and a feeling of anxiety comes over me. I jump at every noise I hear and panic takes over. The thought of being alone makes my stomach twist into knots. I feel lost for days. My life becomes uncontrollable and dreadfulness sets in. Depression seeps into my veins and won’t let go. I slowly turn in a downward cycle of despair. The reality of it all is that I know it’s only a movie, and no one gets hurt during filing, but it all seems so real to me.

Tina,

Horror films freak me out too.

I can see you using this hatred for a character at some point in a piece of fiction. I would consider actually describing some of the horror film scenes that really got to you and then the resultant behavior. For example, I saw the exorcist when I was a kid, had to leave the theater at the point where the possessed girl was stabbing herself in the crotch with a crucifix. Then had to sleep with my mother for a month.

Best,

Tamara

Lesson 2: Show and Tell (Mick and Loretta)

2008-04-12T04:39:00.001-07:00

The road is eerie with darkness and the thick fog hangs in the air. This makes Mick feel isolated as he searches for miles and all he can see is the ghostly remoteness around him. He takes a deep breath and holds on to the steering wheel of his four-wheel drive pickup and focuses on the road ahead. There are no other cars on the road and no lights in the distance. Mick feels uneasy about the drive, but he begins to relax to the warmth of the heater and the humming of the tires.

“Mick, are you okay driving?” Loretta shifts in her seat.

“I’m fine Loretta.” Mick, starting to get tired, never takes his eyes off the road. Loretta begins to drift off to sleep.

Bam! “What was that Mick? It sounded like you hit something. Did you run over an animal in the road? I hope what ever it was is okay.” Loretta jumps forward. Mick pulls the car over, steps out and walks around.

“I couldn’t have. There’s nothing out here.” Mick stands in bewilderment. “The noise I heard sounded like something hit the truck, but the truck is fine. I see no damage.”

“Are you drunk?” Loretta swings the truck door open and jumps out.

“No, I am not drunk. Why would you say something like that?”

“Mick, you had to of hit something and we just left a party and your going to tell me you’re not drunk? I don’t believe that, and I think you nuts.”

“Loretta, I’ve had two drinks all night.”

“Don’t give me that Mick. I have never seen you go out and have only two drinks.” “I’m not drunk. Just look around and tell me if you see anything.”

“I don’t see a thing. If we didn’t hit anything, than what was that noise Mick?”

Teachers comments

Tina,

Great job converting this summary into scene. Nice use of sensory detail (humming of the tires, etc.) and atmosphere.

This is great dialogue---full of conflict:

Nice work. Very creepy!

All Best,

Tamara

Lesson 1: Introduction (The Window)

2008-04-12T04:38:00.001-07:00

The noise grew louder and louder. The wind howled as if the universe was in pain. The sound was deafening. The house shook like a baby rattle out of control and the ground rocked as if a freight train was nearby. The storm approached quickly. I had no time to board up. The window started to buckle. It was about to blow. The rain slapped the glass as if to say, “you have been bad, now take your punishment.” There was only darkness. I was afraid of what was outside. As I reached for the lock, the window shattered and chards of glass came rushing at me. I felt like I had been shot, and the blood started to drip down my chin. Flesh had been torn off my nose. The stinging sensation of the salt air hit me like a brick. The window was gone. I could not stop the wind and the rain from entering the house. The water was rising fast and my feet were no longer able to touch the floor. As I began to swim, the waves grew large and almost took me outside. I knew if that happened I would never survive. I had to move quickly, because the waves were picking up speed. The only thing I had to hold on to was the window frame. It took all my strength, but I held on for hours. When the sun started to rise, I could see the devastation that had occurred. The rain stopped, the wind slowed down and the water subsided. My hands were cut and I was painfully exhausted. I felt like I had been put threw the washer and hung out to dry, but I was alive. I could not say that about the rest of the people that lived in my neighborhood. As I looked around, I could hear babies crying, man yelling for their wives, and children looking lost. I turned back to see my house. It was the only thing left standing. Everything would have been okay if the window had not shattered.

Teachers comments

Tina,

Very vivid sensory detail here---howls, rattles, blood dripping, etc. You've done a good job describing someone in extremis. I would suggest combining some of the short sentences to form longer sentences in order to vary sentence rhythm as it's a bit staccato at the moment.