Extra

rewrite:

Tina Fisher Posted: Jul. 7th

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I stepped off the plane and looked around and immediately knew that this was like no other island I had ever been to. The plane landed right in the heart of San Pedro, Belize. There was very little traffic. The streets were made of sand. I notice that the tourist were the only people wearing shoes, and “No shirt, no shoes, no problem” was written on a billboard at the end of a long fence. San Pedro would soon be the place of our new home. The people were wonderful. It was as if they had not a worry in the world, no stress and not one crying baby. The town was small. Everyone drove golf carts or rode bikes to get around. The tourist took taxis or rented a golf cart. Everyone knew each other and always had a wave and a smile. People were strolling along the streets and children playing happily.

My first experience to the Caribbean was over seventeen years ago. I flew to St Croix the USVI to visit friends. After relocating there I met my husband after being on the island two months and we have been living in the Caribbean ever since. Tim, being a Boston boy, moved to the island and never went home.

“It’s to cold up there and I hate the fast past, but living on an island has its’ challenges, from the electric company to collecting rainwater.” Tim commented.

We loved traveling the islands. One day a friend came up to Tim, “would you like to take a trip to Belize with me and check it out?” Of course I do” Tim replied. Tim never missed a chance like that.

The next time I spoke with Tim he said, “come down and see what I am about the purchase.” I got on the plane. Took my seat in anticipation. I had never been out of the US before. A few years later we relocated.

Relocating to the Caribbean was once a dream for most people, but it’s becoming more of a reality everyday. More and more people are moving to the Caribbean for the quality of life. Every year thousands of people are leaving the hectic life back home for the laid-back life style and the stress free living the Caribbean has to offer.

Packing up and moving to the Caribbean takes research. Being unprepared about the place where you chose to live can be very disappointing. Paradise is in the eye of the beholder. Every country, in the Caribbean, has its advantages and disadvantages. The best way to get to know a place is to visit for a period of time. If you do it right it can be very rewarding. Getting to know the infrastructure, the people and the way they live will help you make the right decision. Finding the right place for you can be fun and exciting. You have a lot to choose from.

St Croix is a beautiful island. It has roads that wind up and down the mountains along the ocean. The drive is mesmerizing with the crystal blue torques waters and the waves crashing along the seashore. It has a rain forest on one end and a desert on the other. The island is quite large and spread out with paved roads and vehicles. The population to date is 53,234 with 84 sq. miles. It’s really hard to get to know the people, but you quickly form an opinion about the whole, with the few you do meet. The TV stations are limited. The island gets its electricity by generator, which often goes down, and the islanders collect their rainwater.

On the other hand, San Pedro is made up of flat lands that extends 25 miles long. Most of the roads are sandy, but in the last few years the major roads are being cobbled stoned. The Barrier Reef runs 190 miles on the east side of the island and is famous for the diving and fishing. In 2007 the population grew to 10445. It is easy to get to know everyone since we are drive golf carts, bikes, or on foot. The electricity comes from Mexico, but this does not mean that the electric doesn’t have its problems. I can remember, at times, playing backgammon by candlelight and having no water because the water plant runs on the same electric. In some places city water is available. Over 60 TV stations come with cable, and high speed DSL is available. I can have beer, chicken, soda and drinking water delivered to my front door. That’s definitely an advantage.

The beautiful thing about living in the islands is that it is a slower pace and people live longer because they don’t have as much stress as most people in the US. Even after the hurricane hit San Pedro in 2000, and the locals lost their homes and all of their belongings, they locals still had a smile and a wave. “I can’t believe these people can still be this happy. I just lot a lot of my possessions and these people don’t have a care in the world. Then on day I realized that they were happy to be a live.” Tim realized that it was the stress free attitude the people in the Caribbean have is what makes these people who they are.

I was not on the island when the hurricane hit. I arrived eleven days later. As I flew over, I could see Tim doing laundry in a cement mixer, using a gas generator. My clothes were never the same again. We did not have electricity for two and a half months. No telephones accept mobile. Once the town as able to get electric we were able to listen to the Spanish radio station. We had no TV, no cable. We cooked with propane, but could not keep the leftovers. There was no ice on the island.

If you plan on relocating to the Caribbean make sure you do your research. Look for a place where you will fit in, because you will not change the place the place will change you. Make sure you can adapt to your surroundings and make friends before you make the move. Make sure that you can deal with the infrastructure that is in place and have patience when things don’t go as planned. It can be a wonderful experience if you don’t expect too much and enjoy it for what it is.

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Comments:

Nicole James, Posted Jul. 20th

Hi! I loved your article. Great lead, great descriptions. You did an excellent job writing this article.

S. James Snyder, Posted Jul. 14th Hi Tina! You know, I really, really love the details you decided to use in your lede. You could have focused on anything, but you've used a few observations to paint a really thick, comprehensive picture of a place. I'm only through the first paragraph, but I really feel as if I'm there - seeing the place through your eyes. What a vibrant scene. And I love the way you use that scene to launch into a discussion of how this tropical living compares with other tropical living, and then how tropical living compares with traditional living. If you had been writing more of a newsy feature, I would have liked to see a few numbers in the piece, and a few other voices. By giving us more characters, and more dialogue, you help the details spring to life. But all this said, your focus here seems to be on creating a memoir, and on using your first-hand experiences to bring this place - and these people - to life. And in that way, you've definitely hit a home run. We can see and feel this place, can sense the excitement of both of you in discovering a new and different way of living. The one thing we need is some arc in the story - it needs to build to some revelation about why this is a richer way of life, or why it's worth taking all the risks and giving up the modern technology. That way you can tie up all of your different observations into one, coherent thesis and conclusion. But that's easy enough to do - it would only take a sentence or two. You've done all the heavy lifting, succeeded in giving us scenes and descriptions; Like all great travel writing, you've brought the place to life. Great job!

Melissa Gette, Posted Jul. 14th Tina- Great rewrite. "Paradise is in the eye of the beholder"- nice observation. Your article might benefit from breaking up the personal experiences in the beginning, either compressing them or taking some out of the beginning and interspersing them throughout the article to show you know your subject from personal experience. As a reader I think I would be more interested if I was brought to "Relocating to the Caribbean..." sooner. It feels more like the meat of the story. Nice contrast/compare between St. Croix and San Pedro. The kicker does seem a little down. Hmmm... is there a way to end in a more upbeat way? Nice job!

Dee Anne Barker, Posted Jul. 13th Boy, you really painted the scene for island living Tina. Also, nice addition of more stats to support and balance the wonderful descriptions. My only feedback would be to recheck some spelling, grammar and vocabulary usage. I'm also assuming that you've chosen to keep this as a personal essay piece vs. a feature article. If so, it might be a good topic for a travel mag. and for those interested in relocating to an 'island lifestyle.' Very interesting topic to contrast the slow pace of island life vs. the fast pace of US city living.

Jason Townsend-Rogers, Posted Jul. 12th Excellent piece, I found the descriptions rather fitting, seeing as I have family in the Caribbean.

John Pepper, Posted Jul. 12th Tina: The details are what make this such a pleasure to read. St. Croix has desert on one end and rain forest on the other? I didn't know that. I love the picture of people driving around in golf carts. There's a nice balance here of the good (friendly people) and bad (power blackouts). Depending on where you would try to get this published you'd probably have to add a few specifics, but I could easily see this being published. Maybe you could add a few things about the benefits of stress-free living and get it published in a health magazine. John

Stephanie Adams, Posted Jul. 10th Tina, I always enjoy reading your work. It makes me want to plan a vacation. Your descriptions are great. Good job.

Barbara Pentlicki, Posted Jul. 8th I found your article interesting and descriptive. You used good format in description and factual details. Sounds like a good travel article, but I would change the conclusion to make it more up-beat. It is good work and much better than the first one your wrote.

Ayub Mwampela, Posted Jul. 8th Tina you have a good story here.Your lead is well described.The general picture of the islands is well set. Your work looks like a fiction. The use of the first person and then second person could lead to confusion. Great job to read.

Rebecca Chamaa, Posted Jul. 8th Tina, your descriptions are great. I also like that you included quotes and many facts about the islands. I liked your lead especially the details about the sand streets and the sign about no shoes or shirts - these details or descriptions made me really see what you were seeing. So you were successful in showing instead of telling. I thnk you could have used some of the same descriptive techniques in your closing paragraph and it would have been stronger. You did a good job though!

Assignment #9: Pitching

Assignment #9 - Due Before 7/22

Write a query letter for an article, perhaps an article that you have worked on in class. Customize the pitch for a specific publication. Use a real publication, but it’s fine if, for now, you make up the editor’s name.
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I wrote:

Tina Fisher
55 Flying Fish Dr Belize, Central America
226-4000 7/22/2008
Re: Proposal for Publication

Travel + Leisure Magazine Mr. John Hancock
1120 Avenue of the Americas, 10th Floor
New York, NY 10036
212-382-5600

Attention Mr. John Hancock

Dear Mr. John Hancock:

Proposal for Publication

I stepped off the plane and looked around and immediately knew that this was like no other island I had ever been to. The plane landed right in the heart of San Pedro, Belize. There was very little traffic. The streets were made of sand. I notice that the tourist were the only people wearing shoes, and “No shirt, no shoes, no problem” was written on a billboard at the end of a long fence. San Pedro would soon be the place of our new home. The people were wonderful. It was as if they had not a worry in the world, no stress and not one crying baby. The town was small. Everyone drove golf carts or rode bikes to get around. The tourist took taxis or rented a golf cart. Everyone knew each other and always had a wave and a smile. People were strolling along the streets and children playing happily.

I would like to publish an article on island living and show a sense of belonging when you find the right place. Island living can be very rewarding and adventurous. People have to realize that living on an island is much different from just visiting. If you plan on relocating to the Caribbean make sure you do your research. Look for a place where you will fit in, because you will not change the place the place will change you. Make sure you can adapt to your surroundings and make friends before you make the move. Make sure that you can deal with the infrastructure that is in place and have patience when things don’t go as planned. It can be a wonderful experience if you don’t expect too much and enjoy it for what it is.

I have been studying article writing for a short time, but think I can do a great job writing about living on islands sense I have been living in the Caribbean for over seventeen years. I would love the chance to show you, from my writings, my experiences and hope this would help others in their travels. I would love to send you my entire article for your approval and consideration for your upcoming publication. I look forward to hearing from you and I appreciate your time.

Sincerely,

Tina Fisher

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Teacher Comments:

S. James Snyder, Posted: Jul. 25th

Hi Tina:

I love the streamlined approach here. You are crisp and to the point, jumping into the topic, the angle and the way you would go about it. Most importantly: It looks short, so someone with only a few seconds might be willing to give it a try, and then find themselves wrapped up in your lede. I like this a lot - and it displays your writing style/sense of pacing and phrasing quite nicely. Great job here - and congratulations on a wonderful class. I've so enjoyed returning to your voice every week...keep sprinting forward!

Assignment #8: Voice

Assignment #8 - Due Before 7/15

Find a piece of writing that you admire. This can be fiction or nonfiction. Write out a few paragraphs of it, word for word, and show it to me.

Then tell me what you learned by doing this.

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I wrote:
Austin is a cosmopolitan city with plenty of modern architecture mixed with classic styles. Just to walk around some of the local streets and neighborhoods is enough for some visitors. You can visit the Pennybacker Bridge which is surrounded by urban picturesque scenes in all directions or take a stroll near the Congress Avenue Bridge around sunset which is the home to over 1.5 million Mexican free tailed bats. These bats live under the bridge for 8 months of the year and come out around sunset to look for insects to eat. It is quite a phenomenon to see the clouds of bats rising from the bridge during a warm summer evening. The bats migrate to Mexico for the winter.

Animals and nature are all part of Austin’s culture. In fact the Austin Zoo is known as a rescue zoo and sanctuary for over 300 animals that have been saved from the wild or extinction. The Barton Springs Pools and the Deep Eddy Pool are the largest and oldest man made pools in the country and are fed from water from the Barton Spring. The water temperature in the Barton Springs pool is always a constant 69 degrees and thought to be a very healthy place to swim and bathe in the grounds of the Zilker Park. Apart from these two famous pools there are many nature trails, parks and recreational facilities to visit and spend time while taking a break from the more upbeat sights and sounds of Austin.

The reason for Austin’s famous name as the “Live Music Capital of the World” is not just because of the hoards of graduates from the many music schools in the area but also the infamous 6th Street. 6Th Street is the home to a multitude of music venues and nightclubs housed in architecturally unique buildings. Strolling down 6th street by day is entertainment in itself to view the buildings and meet the cosmopolitan residents. All of these attractions and more can be seen from the comfort of the Dillo, an historic reproduction of the trolley cars that will take you downtown, to the capitol complex and around the University complex all for free. It is a perfect way to start your trip around Austin and decide which of the many attractions and places of interest that you want to see.

I learned how important facts help an article more along.
I learned how to structure paragraphs and how the first sentence tells what is coming.
Not to use words that can be left out.
I can write articles from an informational side not the experience side.
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Teacher's comments:

S. James Snyder, Posted: Jul. 18th

Hi Tina!

I like the excerpt - and yes, facts can often be used to gain momentum through a piece. Almost like paddles for a canoe, they help push things along, and change course as well!

More than anything, though, the lesson we wanted to get across to people is that anyone can write these words. Anyone's hands can type this prose onto the screen. You are capable of writing at this level - but it's also essential to keep reading at a very high level. We can only write as well as read, but that said, anyone is capable of becoming the master they dream of being.

Keep reading work like this, and keep aspiring to write more fluidly, creatively and engagingly!

Assignment #7: Description

Assignment #7 - Due Before 7/8

When we talk about descriptions, our ability to describe something is limited by our vocabulary, and how easily we can wield our words to plant an image in the reader's mind.

You need to start thinking about words not just as placeholders, but as vital tools. Every word should be used for a specific purpose - to convey an explicit image.

And our enemies are cliches - anything that is not specific or unique. Never call something beautiful. Beautiful is a vague, obtuse term. Be specific about HOW something is beautiful instead.

Cliches have become so common in our language that they stop meaning anything tangible. They are vague, and as writers, a vague term is worthless to us.

To that end, I've put together 10 cliches here. Revise them to make them fresh again. (For example change “cold as ice” to “cold as the blade of a knife that had been stored in a freezer.” Now THAT gives us an image that captures our attention, and imagination)

1. cold as ice
2. cute as a button
3. tough as nails
4. smooth as silk
5. pretty as a picture
6. black as pitch
7. eager as a puppy
8. sweeter than sugar
9. the strong, silent type
10. my heart skipped a beat

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Tina wrote:
1. Cold as icicles hanging from the rafters in a cold winter storm.
2. Cute as a baby in pigtails
3. Tough as an old pair of leather boots that haven't been worn in years.
4. smooth as a rainbow that stretches across a clear blue sky
5. pretty as the sunset over the horizon
6. Black as the night in a forest with tall trees that cover the sky.
7. eager as women walking down the isle
8. sweeter than lemonade on hot summer day.
9. the strong, ye of little words.
10. my heart stopped briefly,
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teachers comments:

S. James Snyder, Posted: Jul. 13th

Hi Tina!

Looking over your examples, I particularly love numbers two and seven. Be wary of the examples in which you made a shorter phrase into a longer one - sometimes it's the taut, tight phrases that work best. But that is a minor point - the key here is understanding the importance of keeping things fresh and lively, of finding new ways to convey old or classic thoughts and finding a way to turn a phrase to delight a reader. Descriptions are crucial, and finding new and unique ways to offer a description can set your writing apart. Great job!

Assignment #6: Body Structure

Assignment #6 - Due Before 7/1

Here's your mission: Try to find a topic that is narrow, and focused, and relatively small in scope. Research a few facts and try to write 400-500 words on that article (don't write the lead or the nutgraf, but maybe just write the guts of the piece). This will probably come out to only 3-6 paragraphs, but practice the art of taking raw information and putting it down in a logical, comprehensible fashion. Imagine that you're trying to give the reader as much information as possible, but you still want to keep it comprehensible and entertaining...

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Tina wrote:

Every country, in the Caribbean, has its advantages and disadvantages from shopping, to the language they speak. The best way to get to know a place is to visit for a period of time, the longer the better. If you plan it right it can be very rewarding. Getting to know the infrastructure, the people and the way they live, can help you make the right decision. Finding the right place for you can be fun and exciting. Once you have found your place in paradise it’s time to make the move. I moved to the Caribbean over seventeen years ago. I live on an island called San Pedro in the country of Belize. My husband and I have lived and worked here since 1997. When I moved to Ambergris Caye in ‘97, I found the average age of ex-pats, living on the island, were fifty and older. That has changed in the last several years. Now the age of people moving to the Caribbean is thirty-five and up. There are several options for you to enter and stay.

1) 30-day visa - you can get stamped every thirty days, up to six months. After six months you have to apply for a work permit or leave the country and re-enter.(recommend a work permit)

2) Work permit (cost) There are two types of work permits:

a) Application for permission to employ a foreigner (after being in the country for six months), and

b) Application for Temporary Self-Employment. The six-month residency requirement can be waived.

3) Permanent Residency (US$1000). To be approved for Permanent Residency status you have to be in the country of Belize for one year. If you leave you can only do so for no more than 14 days. After being a permanent resident for five years you are entitled to apply for citizenship. You can have dual citizenship. Forms for residency and citizenship www.embassyofbelize.org

4) Retired status (US$700). This is for those that qualify.

A) You or your spouse must be at least 45 years old.

B) You must show that you have US$2000 a month to live on. If you ever plan on working in Belize do not go the retirement route. You can’t reverse this statue.

Once you have become either permanent resident or have retired status you have six months to bring in a shipping container full of your household goods duty free. You may find that you will want to ship a few things in, because living on San Pedro you are limited to the quantity and quality of the things you need from linens to your favorite hobby supplies. You are also entitled to bring in a golf cart, or other transportation like a boat or even a plane. These items must be used. Check with customs to find out more. Getting things in to the country can be done quite easy. It’s the wait the drives me crazy. Things here are quite a bit slower here than they are in the states. If it’s a stress free, laid back life style you are looking for, than San Pedro’s for you. “Right now”, is one phase you will have to get use to, which means sometime in the near future.

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Teachers Comment:

S. James Snyder, Posted: Jul. 7th

Hi Tina!

I like the breakdown of the various options facing someone who wants to be resident - it's very comprehensive and informative. Now that the facts are aligned, the next step would be to weave a story between those bullets - to take it from list form to story form. I like the facts, and the arrangement, and the key thing to take away from this assignment is the realization that feature writing is the juggling of both data and narrative - doing one's best to make the fact-telling as interesting as possible. Great job!

Assignment #5: Lead

Assignment #5 - Due Before 6/24

Hi everyone:

Be sure to refer to the Blackboard - the first part of the homework can be found there, in regards to reading 5-10 articles for three nights in a row.

Then, for this weekend, after you have read somewhere near 20 or 30 articles:

Find an article with a particularly weak lead. Show me the lead. Write a better lead for the article and show me that, as well.

If you want extra practice, write two different, better leads for the exact same story. Remember that leads can be longer than just one paragraph, and remember that you can start a story a million different ways (the nutgraf always helps snap things back into place)
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Tina wrote:
Lead: One of the best ways to promote your website or blog is through article marketing. Learning to write articles quickly is a skill you have to master to accomplish this.

Rewrite:

One of the best ways to promote your website or blog is through article marketing. Article marketing is a type of advertising in which businesses write short articles related to their respective industry. Learning to write articles quickly is a skill you have to master to accomplish this.

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Teachers comment

S. James Snyder, Posted: Jun. 30th

Hi Tina!

I enjoy the way you improved this - immediately giving us a definition that helps us to get centered in the article. Sometimes there are pieces - particularly tech pieces - that assume they are writing for a very specialized audience. But you've helped to counter that, presenting us with an article that adds in the needed translation. It's a lesson worth remembering! Great job!

Assignment #4: Profiles

Find a stranger who might make for an interesting profile. Interview this person, in person (ideally) or on the phone (less ideal). Write a lead and nut graf for the profile. Then give a brief bullet-point outline of how the rest of the profile might flow.

Tina wrote:

Dale Walters walked down the hall with a guard on each side. He was excited to see his family waiting for him outside the prison walls. As he approached the door, he paused to say a prayer. “Dear lord, I’m very thankful that this day has arrived. I never thought that I would be walking through these doors a free man.” The guards had befriended Dale and were glad to see him go.

With new shoes, a crisp navy blue pin stripped suit, and a white shirt, Dale pushed open the door and proudly yelled, “I’m free.” The first people he saw were his wife and kids. “There must have been twenty people outside waiting for me. Some I had never met. I had nieces and nephews that I didn’t know about. I was so glad to see everyone.”

After many tears and introductions, Dale was ready to leave. He had not been outside the prison gates in eleven years.

Dale Walters was charged and sentenced to twenty years for arson. Something he has always claimed he did not do. “I had left a business meeting late on January 30, 1997, and on my way home I had a flat tire. It took me about thirty minutes to change it. I arrived home and when I opened the door I smelt smoke. I called 911, but by time the fire was put out the damage had been done. My wife and children had been out of town. Thank God no one was hurt. When the inspector did his report he said the fire had been set intentionally. This could not be true. No one had been home. I was eventually arrested and charged”

The years went by and Dale did what ever he could to get a new trial, but nothing seemed to go his way. Until on day his sister meet a man that she eventually married. She told Bob the story and he wanted to help. He did some investigating and found that there had been a know arsonist that had been living in the area at the time. He was now in jail for burning down a grocery store, so Bob went to see him. It wasn’t long before this man was confessing to burning down the house. He said that he had been jealous of Dale and wanted to see him suffer.

It took Bob several years to convince the courts that this was a case that needed to be reviewed. It took two more years to get a trial date. Once the judge saw the confession, he signed the release papers and Dale was to be a free man, but even then it took several months before Dale would walk out of prison.

Dale almost passed out walking to the car. His legs were weak and he was tried. He had lost a lot of weight by worrying about his family and not sleeping right. “All I wanted was a hot shower and sleep in a real bed. The drive home was surreal. The sun was out and everything was in bloom. So many things had changed, things that I could never imagine. The town where we lived was not the same. Big buildings took up the space where the park use to be and restaurants on every corner.” When they pulled into the driveway, Dale could not believe it. The house was exactly the way it looked the night it caught on fire. “When I walked inside I knew I was home and this whole nightmare was over.’

Teacher’s comments

S. James Snyder, Posted: Jun. 22nd

Hi Tina!

What a compelling opening - the day a man is freed from prison. You've put us right there.

I think if you kept building this, moving forward, you'd want to construct a few of the key scenes that Dale dealt with along the way. I'd want to know about the day he was wrongly convicted, maybe his low-point while in prison, his feeling of exoneration when the judge finally agreed to let him out. I'd want to know more about that car ride home.

But as you've constructed it here, this is wonderful. It's dramatic, and informative, and there's a flow and an arc to it....this is life-and-death, truly-compelling stuff. Are you hoping to work with it moving forward at all??? Great job!